Chasing Motherhood
At the age of 29 I found myself single again. I assumed I’d find someone and be able to continue pursuing motherhood very quickly, but that didn’t happen. I remained single for a further 9 years. In that time I decided to become a single mum by choice. I briefly considered adoption, but I wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to see my family within my child, so I investigated Solo-IVF using donor sperm.
As I started having medical examinations, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis, having many extensive growths, I needed to have surgery before I could get started. Undergoing IVF alone was terrifying, I felt like a rabbit in headlights, but I could see the goal, my baby. That first cycle was a disaster; I hadn’t fully healed from my surgery, my ovaries did not respond to the drugs, I found out one of my ovaries had been too damaged by the endometriosis and I was diagnosed with Low Ovarian Reserve (LOR). Against the odds, I became pregnant. Unfortunately, I lost that baby. I was devastated, but also full of hope. I knew many people lose their first pregnancy, but my body knew what to do now, so the next time would work. My second round; with better quality embryos failed entirely and the Consultant told me I would be unlikely to carry a child of my own. My grief was huge.
During my second Solo-IVF cycle, I had met someone and we decided to start trying. I fell pregnant really quickly, but lost that baby; fell pregnant again within a month, lost that baby. I was referred to the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic, where all investigations led to dead ends. No cause was found.
Then nothing happened for over a year. Finally, I got pregnant again, but lost that baby too. Because of my age and longer time with no success, we underwent IVF, with a view to potentially needing to use donor eggs. I became pregnant, but lost our twins and were told that the clinic would not go ahead with Donor eggs, since I would lose every pregnancy. I didn’t want to accept this. We didn’t stop trying, but we also didn’t really try. We were numb. However, 9 months later, I found I was pregnant again. I lost that baby and with it, my strength to ever face that loss again.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact I wouldn’t be able to carry my own child. Motherhood had always felt like a part of me and I felt life had robbed me of it. However, I realised that although the battle for pregnancy was over, my quest for motherhood was still possible. Initially we looked into surrogacy, but this didn’t feel right to either of us, so we looked into adoption.
The adoption process is meant to take 6 months, with Stage 1 lasting 2 months and Stage 2 lasting 4. However, ours was a lot longer. We attended an introductory session and were then allocated a Social Worker. On hearing our story, the social worker felt we couldn’t be ready to start the process and recommended we wait a few months. In that time, we had begun some changes to the house, which we were told would need to be completed before we could start Stage 2. Then, Covid Lockdown happened. The building works stopped briefly and were then further delayed through lack of materials, everything was on hold.
I had dreamt of being a young mum, every delay just added to my grief.
Eventually, we started the process. During Stage 1 we had to attend some training, finding out about parenting traumatised children; we also had to evidence our background reading and write an extensive document about ourselves, our family and our relationships. Upon completion, we began Stage 2, which consists of weekly visits with your social worker, to talk through everything mentioned in the document. At the end of Stage 2, you attend Approval Panel, (8 to 12 people linked to adoption), who agree whether you are ready and able to adopt. We were approved in December 2021. We had been led to believe that we would be matched with children very quickly, however due to many delays in the system due to Covid, as well as an influx of Adoptive Parents being approved, we ended up waiting a long time to find our match.
The matching process is hard. You see profiles of so many beautiful children, all in limbo, all waiting for a forever family. But you don’t feel anything. You look at their faces and its like when colleagues at work show you pictures of their children. Yes they’re cute, but they’re not yours. After a few months of this, you start to worry that perhaps this is how it will always be. Maybe no child will ever feel right?
For us, we knew the second we saw a picture of our girls. They just felt right. Its difficult to pinpoint exactly why. Physically they felt familiar to both of us. We immediately told our Social Worker they were the ones.
From first seeing the girls’ profile, we had to wait a further 3 months before we could see them on a video call, alongside other children and other adopters. The children could not see us. We still said yes, but had to wait a further month before being Linked (when Social Services agree you would make a good match and they prepare documentation to evidence this at a Matching Panel. Another 2 months later, we were Officially Matched.
From then, things moved quickly, we had a plan for Introductions (a period of one or two weeks, when you spend time with your child/children every day and eventually bring them home). We were lucky that the Foster Family weren’t too far away, so we could easily travel to theirs every day, but we were not prepared for how exhausted we would be. It’s a very strange situation, meeting your children who live in someone else’s house. Spending time with them when they are strangers and others know them well. Not feeling like you have a say in what they do or eat, not feeling able to ‘parent’ under the watchful eye of the Foster carers. Even stranger, leaving. Driving away from your children. Full of new memories, excitement, joy, nerves, panic….
Finally the day arrived, they were moving in. It was such an emotional day. Such a long-awaited moment, everything had been building up to this, but it was actually, so fleeting. The boot packed, the children in their car seats. Saying goodbye to the much-loved foster carers was difficult. Watching someone get tearful as they say goodbye to the children they have been caring for, and walking away with those children is hard.
The following days, weeks, months a whirlwind. When the wait has been so long, the journey so painful, the losses so great, happy ever after doesn’t always start happy. Adjustment; fear; anxiety; change, impacted all four of us, very differently. We had to deal with how it was impacting ourselves as well as everyone else. Nothing in the Adoption Process had prepared us for the overwhelm of those first few weeks together.
Time, so often used to placate, but time was necessary. Time soothed. We bonded, we created memories and routines. We came to love.
~Nicole Narracott @mums.the.word_blog