Trying

Alec said last night, “We should be having a birthday party for a 1-year-old tomorrow.” It’s true. Last year, today, was our first due date. When we were naive enough to think a positive pregnancy test meant a baby. 

Or we would have celebrated what milestones our 7-month-old reached yesterday. Our 2nd due date was March 14th. A year to the day we learned we had our first loss. 

Or I could still be 25 weeks pregnant. We’d be setting up the rest of the nursery we painted the weekend before we learned his heart stopped. Before I had to go to all my appointments alone as Alec waited in the car with me on the phone because of COVID. Before I had to see the pain in my OB’s eyes which was all I could see between her mask and cap and PPE, as she said “I’m so sorry. There isn’t a heartbeat.” I just didn’t understand. But there was a heartbeat at 2 other appointments! And my body yet again gave me no warning. How could I have been carrying my son for over a week after his heart stopped-and my body didn’t tell me. When someone’s heart stops they do CPR, they put paddles on their chest and shock them! Why couldn’t my body do that? Why didn’t it help him? Why did it just let him die? What are we supposed to do now?  

Consumed by grief day after day, we are trying our best to live with grief instead of letting grief live for us. But it’s hard. I didn’t just lose my son this time. I lost every desire to ever carry a child. There is no piece of my mind, body or spirit that has any desire to ever be pregnant again. And I can’t begin to explain how foreign that feels. How awful that feels to admit? Childless not by choice. I’ve found that community. But now I’m afraid, will I be judged for “giving up” after only trying for 2 years? We’re told we will require medical assistance to be able to carry to term. I give the most amazing kudos to those who are brave and strong and go through that. We know ourselves and cannot mentally, physically or financially go through that. 

Does that mean I won’t belong? 

Writing it now feels like I’m someone completely different than who I used to be. And that’s the truth. I am. My husband and I both are. Our love and connection is stronger than it’s ever been but we are both two completely different people than we used to be. With this all happening in just under 2 years at 26 and 27 years old we feel completely out of place with no real idea as to where we belong or what we do now. We are trying though. Trying to find our place. Trying to find a community. Some support. We have 2 amazing fur babies who we love and spoil beyond belief. We have an amazing, beautiful niece who absolutely makes our day. And some family who is trying to be there for us. Trying to understand. 

That’s all we are all just trying to do. Trying. 

~Dominique