Zen Mamas

A version of this piece was originally published on Your Zen Mama on April 21, 2021

Pregnancy Loss: the club that no one chooses to be a part of but a club that is bigger than we think and united by strong mamas and their angel babies.

1 in 4 pregnancies ends in pregnancy loss which is a staggering statistic in highlighting that it is more common than we think and why we are so passionate about moving the needle when it comes to the stigma and taboo surrounding loss. We have both had our own experiences with pregnancy loss and know the immense grief, heartbreak, and loneliness that can ensue which is why we want to share our stories and by each of us opening up, our hope is that it can feel less lonely.

Teresa’s Journal Entry

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and I wanted to address something that’s been coming up for me; anxiety. Post loss anxiety to be exact. It’s been 6 years since I lost my pregnancy at 7 weeks along and even now after two perfect full term babies and despite a healthy second trimester scan, our NIPT results coming back low risk across the board and nothing but positive scans so far during this fifth pregnancy, I am still in fear that something could happen to this little baby.

We talk often about the immediate effects of loss but there is still a lot less conversation surrounding a new pregnancy after loss. I have used an at home Doppler once a week since I was 8 weeks along, I’ve ordered a “kick counter” bracelet and I’m now looking into the socks that your newborn wears to monitor oxygen & heart rate. I have held my breath every scan, have had the sunken feeling when I hear the sonographer take a pause or let out even the most subtle of sighs and I’ve checked my phone 1000 times just waiting for it to ring after each blood test. I guess it’s my way of prepping myself, wrapping myself in armor ready to confront the unthinkable. I recognize that these feelings are warranted but that doesn’t help to make the experience feel any easier.

I’m writing this not to offer any magical pill to take these feelings away but to share this with you so that if you too feel like you’re walking on eggshells, counting the days until your belly baby hits their next milestone or understand the panic of waiting to hear bad news, then you’re not alone. There’s a whole tribe of women walking this path with you, who have journeyed this way before you and countless others who will follow you. Your feelings are valid, they matter and these emotions don’t negate the excitement you have for your new pregnancy. Deep breaths mama, I love you, I hear you, I’m with you. Keep going.

Sarah’s Journal Entry

I remember the moment my doctor told me the baby didn’t make it. I remember how hot my cheeks felt and how suddenly weak and uncomfortable my body became. I remember my doctor saying that I might not remember anything he was saying that moment so I focused really hard to prove him wrong and heard his words as he said “you did nothing wrong.” I remember feeling wetness on my face and sobs bubbling in my chest and then a shift in the chair under the window where my husband sat my little boy was there moving in his seat. I opened my mouth to say something comforting and only a squeak left my lips. My husband began to explain and our doctor gently told him too.

Then I realized it was time for me to leave, to walk one foot in front of the other out of the office through the room with all the pregnant ladies down the hall, then the elevator and a block or so to walk to my car. I was mad, sad, heartbroken, full of pain, fear and confusion.

With each step my chest felt tighter and with each breath I felt this dream of our baby pulling away. How could baby be gone and yet still be inside of me? That question felt so painful and raw and yet it continued to echo in my mind.

I write this so that whoever is reading this excerpt from my insides can understand that this is a loss, one that should be given proper attention, grief, love, comfort, space and time for healing. I think about the absolute privilege it was for me to not actually have a job when this happened so I was able to sit in my grief, to face it and honor it. To take the time to say goodbye to the baby that I had begun to dream about. I took time to care for myself, to nurture my body, to treat myself like I was in postpartum so that I could heal. I will always be grateful for the weeks after that I had these moments to be with my family, to be ok with being sad, to show my children how to be gentle with yourself and to be open. Then allowing myself to rise up again, to be ok with feeling happy, to be ok with feeling stronger, to keep walking forward with gratitude and to dream of a new baby that would come into our lives.

***

Below we are sharing an excerpt from the Pregnancy Loss chapter of our book. It’s a topic we want to continue raising awareness of and opening up the lines of communication for, and why we wanted it to have its own dedicated chapter in the book. Because rather than gloss over the stark reality of loss, we want to be loud and clear in our communication that it can happen and if it does, here are some tools and shared stories you can turn to to help you through your journey. The Pregnancy Loss chapter of the book covers everything from our stories to statistics, to signs and symptoms of pregnancy loss, types of pregnancy loss, pregnancy after loss, and resources for support.

”I’ve noticed that most pregnancy books skip right over the topic of pregnancy loss, or mention it only briefly then move on—presumably to avoid putting readers off. However, Sarah and I decided that a chapter on pregnancy loss was integral to include, not only because it is so common, but also because it is a profoundly affect- ing part of many people’s motherhood journey. If I’d known what to expect when I experienced the loss of my pregnancies, I don’t think I would have felt so alone and ashamed. It’s our hope that including this information can provide some insight and perhaps even a little comfort. It may be hard to read, and it was certainly painful to write, but it is important. We want to see more women sharing their stories, opening their hearts, and sometimes exposing their wounds in order to comfort each other, creating a community of women willing to be brave, vulnerable, and supportive of ourselves and our sisters. The more we talk about pregnancy loss, the less taboo and secretive it becomes.”

~The Zen Mama Guide To Finding Your Rhythm In Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond

~Teresa Palmer and Sarah Wright Olsen, authors of The Zen Mama Guide to Finding your Rhythm in Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond and creators of, Your Zen Mama

Sarah Wright Olsen and Teresa Palmer// Photo Cred: @gemma_peanut